You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
