I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
