I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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