"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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