theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
