He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We talked him into tasing himself.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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