we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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