I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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