she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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