I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
