we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
