It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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