6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
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Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
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I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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