CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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