Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
