Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
