Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
