forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
