i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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