Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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