I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
