I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
