the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
