You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
