Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
