I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
