im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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