I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
