my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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