Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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