Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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