All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
