What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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