Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
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