i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
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In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
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We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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