Your tits are I can't wait for
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
