I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD