Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
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Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
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Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick