Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
