no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
