He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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