The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
