Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
