I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We left an ass print on the piano.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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