Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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