She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
