Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
