This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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