Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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