My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
