Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
