I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
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Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
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Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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