Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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