Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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