what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
