Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
