You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
