Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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