Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
3 2 1 whiskey
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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