6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
