The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
