So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
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There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever